Bonus Post- Vacation Anxiety
Trying an experiment where I post new unpolished stuff on Substack. This is a diary entry with no editing.
The vacation will be a disaster. Beds rock hard, the air mattress will have a hole, collarbones crushed on cobblestones, beaten by motor oil drinking Mexicans, toucans ripping out my eyes with their prehistoric beaks, candiru fish swimming up my dickhole, too many old people at the resorts, the horseback riding tours will all be booked, they'll play loud HIV music at the pool. Too many families, too many tourists, roosters everywhere, howler monkeys howling, dogs fucking cats fighting locals cranking two stroke machines, no sleep, I'll look elderly. Jaguars gnawing my balls. Crocodiles death rolling my cock and balls off. Or whatever, new world crocodilians, not crocodiles per se. It will be caymans and gavials death rolling my balls off. I have a cut on my foot which will get gangrene. Like a piece of my foot callus ripped off and it was bloody in the shower. Ringworm will get in it and reduce my IQ. I'll be kidnapped and my bank account drained and also my Fidelity brokerage account, and my crypto, etc. My Paypal. Thieves will use my Paypal to subscribe to horrible Onlyfans' – everything will be booked and I'll be stuck at the hotel which will suck, the only English channel is CNN, Ukraine horseshit all week, powerful brave Zelensky etc.
So much god damn prep and paperwork. My vaccine card will be inadequate. I'll have missed some COVID requirement, some visa requirement. I gotta get online and upload various documents. That's what'll happen, I'll get to Costa Rica, land at the airport and some horseshit COVID box wont be checked. I'll have to turn around for a 19 hour flight with 10 stops that will cost 20 grand and one of them will be a Boeing 737-MAX. Also I got AIDS from Anita even though I didn't fuck her. I got Anita pregnant without nutting, Anita took my genes in some mystical succubus way... that wouldn't be so bad. You know I like Anita, she's dangerous but she's a good person. She's just Filipino. Kentucky by the sea. My challenge was to not fuck her, and I did it. She's hot, really beautiful. I want to be seen with her in public. I want people to think I have a hot girlfriend.
My balls will explode on the plane. There's some insurance requirement I missed, some insurance document you need that I thought I didn't need because I'm vaccinated. But I'll need it, and I don't have a printer. Well let's check all this shit now. I also have work related tasks to perform, tell [REDACTED] I'm using him as the backup contact.. FUCKKK FUCKFUCKFUCK
Like if it sucks- if it sucks as bad as it can suck, assuming I'm not framed for some crime, because I'm not planning to fuck hookers, no drugs-- if it sucks as bad as it can suck and I've spent thousands and have to turn around, can't get into the country, like-- regular life is not bad. I live in Southern California. My actual every day is great. I live near a park with birds. Worst case scenario I'm back in my normal house with an extremely soft mattress and friendly climate and I can beat the meat to Anita and watch the rest of Benedetta on Amazon Prime. I just want someone to fucking tell me what to do. Go to this horse tour on Tuesday, this beach, this volcano. Costa Rica's the size of Connecticut, it will be fine... the bad reviews of the hotels are about how iguanas by the pool disturb people. That's a plus for me. I like iguanas. Scorpion under the towel was one one-star complaint. What the fuck do you want them to do. Scorpions are extremely good at getting into crevices. They like it, they're crevice enthusiasts. The two times a year I have to put on adult shoes there's a black widow in them. It's not a big deal. Anita's one of these girls where it feels like I'm driven to mate with her by toxoplasmosis.
She's a scorpion under the towel, and I want to fuck that scorpion. I want to gently pick up that scorpion and put her outside where she can run free. I want to carry her on my back across the river-- oh yeah there will be frogs in Costa Rica, one of them will fall in my mouth and give me that neurotoxin death where you're awake and can feel everything. I'll get COVID on the way to the airport.