The Cat Food

From Savage Spear of the Unicorn

There’s a feral cat that comes around. He won’t let me pet him. I put out a bowl of water. He didn’t come. Decided I’d try food. Went to CVS. Found the cat food section and went to pick up the can. It was “Tasty Treats in Gravy.” Some kind I used to buy for Bud. And looking at it, feeling the can in my hand, it was like I was buying it for Bud again. Like I’d go home and Bud would be there. And I’d brush him, and then open up a can of Tasty Treats with Gravy and plop half of it into his bowl and he’d– he loved it, he just loved it. If you give him the whole can he’ll puke on the carpet later.

I couldn’t buy the Tasty Treats in Gravy. I got Fancy Feast. It’s a smaller can. The weight of the Tasty Treats can was too familiar. I’d have to speak to people, hold objects, place them somewhere, take out my credit card. In line holding in the feeling of crying. Ads in your face for makeup. The faces of the clerks. Their thoughts about being there, or about being anywhere but there, about their boyfriends. Behind a guy buying a big lurid color Super Soaker from the seasonal aisle. Wondering where your emotions go.

Getting channeled to the robot self checkout by a girl who has to say exact corporate words to me. Contemplating how she’s told what face to make. What tone of voice to use. It sounds friendly but she tries hard to not sound flirtatious. So men leave her alone. She’s made to talk nice and the effect is she hates me. Robot self checkout but she has to stand next to it. Guide every customer there. Trained what to say to train us to replace her.

The red light gets the Fancy Feast fine. It won’t scan the other thing I’m buying. Hair paste. Before I remembered oh yeah I have to buy cat food. I try five times. She has to take the thing and do it for me. I pay. Remember to wait for your receipt, she says. It’s a CVS receipt that spits out of the ticker for hours. It has BPAs on it, I think every time. Have to duck behind the security guard to get it in the trash. I get out in the parking lot. Get in my car and cry and cry.