Am I Turning Retarded
From Savage Spear of the Unicorn
Second time I woke up and the deadbolt was locked, with no memory of it, and no sense memory of turning it. The distinctive brushed bronze. Was the back deadbolt locked. This would have been definitive proof that I locked it myself, right?
Unless someone with the keys did it.
I must have– here’s the thing, there’s a blackout, a gap in memory, and am I losing my mind is the question. Either someone is coming into my house while I sleep, taking nothing, disturbing nothing, leaving no footprints, or I’m waking up in the middle of the night and locking the deadbolt. Which only goes in about halfway. You have to twist it hard and even when it works it seems fucked up. You’d remember.
So am I sleepwalking. Well that would be normal. Wake up, a noise occurs, I think it’s Satan. I also think the deadbolt will keep me from being assaulted by Satan. I get up and lock it and go back to bed.
I take no psychoactive drugs. No Ambien. No memory of climbing out of my high bed swinging my legs like getting off a Percheron to not fry my thighs on the hot radiator. No turning on the lights, no memory of the creak creak creak across 1911 hardwood floors to lock the deadbolt. No memory of pushing the door solidly home. It doesn’t quite fit. You have to lean into it. Twisting the deadbolt and seeing it only go in half cocked– no memory of trying to force it in all the way, forcing the door fully closed to get it in and it won’t quite go, etc. Any of these would have woken me up. I was going to say a pine cone falling from a tree or some shit wakes me. But I’ve slept through earthquakes. So I have to deduce that I woke up, locked the deadbolt myself– because I wouldn’t have done it before bed, right? I never do this. Or the landlord comes in at night and jacks off on my face.
I have to deduce the past. What if I’m losing my mind. What if I have Alzheimer’s. They just discovered it comes from gum disease. The gum bacteria gets in your brain which then makes some protein that makes you stupid. Fuck man. I used to not floss.