50 Ways to Get a Girlfriend

From Savage Spear of the Unicorn

1. Continue with Hinge

2. Continue “shoring” on Seeking Arrangement. Pay girls to rub my back and fuck them when my muscles make them horny. One starts liking me.

3. Quit job, walk around, talk to people

4. Increase online fame, get more women DMing me until one of them actually lives in Los Angeles instead of just wanting my brilliant attention from 3,000 miles away

5. Switch jobs, work at place with women such as a retail environment

6. Meet a woman in Al-Anon- impossible, they’re all proud of how they stay married to a guy who beats them

7. Be pen pals with one of these stupid egirls and manipulate them into moving in with me

8. Commit mass shooting, get a girl who mails me panties in for conjugal visits once she turns of legal age

9. Seduce Sophie the checkout girl who works at the grocery store 36 hours a week and goes to Pasadena City College

10. Go to Pasadena City College. Take either creative writing classes or Spanish or something, meet girls there- that’s a good one.

11. Start hanging out with people that are friends with attractive women. Abandon current friends who consort with old fat ugly people.

12. Go to Africa. Last place without Tinder. Impregnate 1400 women like that French guy. Less time pressure than with Asia where the girls can all read and are turning American, they’ll never be tamed.

13. Go to France, get book translated into French, become famous in France, marry Vietnamese who’s not “hot” but still gets you hard like Houellebecq

14. Pick up desperate AA newcomers in withdrawal- how the fuck do people do this. Only ugly women in AA. No one gets sober when guys give them free coke.

15. Join a gang

16. Get famous by becoming white nationalist e-personality. Become subject of FBI investigation, attract secret dark money from weird rich people. Somehow use it to have sex.

17. Get famous by becoming Reaganite right wing e-personality. Date one of the heavily styled women who get rich complaining their Patreon is censored. Conservative scam woman who should be doing traffic and weather on small market TV, reading the farm report while five old guys in Indiana jerk off at 5AM- get one of those. Get a Filipina one that looks like Michelle Malkin. Could I lay pipe in actual Michelle Malkin. What would that take. Is there such a thing as think tank pussy.

18. Get famous by becoming “reformed PUA.” TV appearances. Or become racist then ”reformed racist” like that Chris Picciolini guy. Get on MSNBC. Sell a line of antiracism skin care supplements or whateverthefuck these people do- the problem is I’ve never been racist. To start hating Jews now would be apres-garde.

19. Get woman addicted to drugs

20. Go to a therapist, resolve my issues with the concept that I’m unworthy of love because I’m not rich. Not famous, not handsome. Don’t have a big dick and tight compact symmetrical nuts, will probably die of cancer leaving her to raise a child alone. I fuck whores. I’m undesirable because I’ve fucked 300 women and some of them were fat. Even though I get a full STD panel twice a year and never have STDs, some part of her always thinks I have AIDS. That’s what you think when you fuck someone unattractive. Go to a therapist to get over this concept that I’m a “tweener” man. Can’t provide alpha fucks or beta bucks. No longer confident don’t give a fuck exciting cocaine addicted fake Bukowski. But don’t own a home and can’t pay for college. Middle aged middle class down the middle gray man unappealing to anybody. I’m the mid budget adult drama that nobody in America wants to see. They want $20,000 Paranormal Activity or $300 million Avengers 10 with the big purple roided out bottom wearing cosmic rainbow bracelets- how is the world so gay.

21. Go to a witch and cast a spell on Sophie the 19 year old grocery bagger. Also cast a spell to have her bulk up and do squats and deadlifts to expand her ass, maybe grow a top lip.

22. Go to church, hold hands with wheatfield tier white woman. But they’re all fucking the Ovation guitar playing preacher who murmurs healing words over her.

23. Go gay. Date the Thai transsexual I was messaging on OKCupid. Just saw her in a small penis humiliation JOI video aimed at Asians on Xhamster. She’d had facial feminization surgery. I love big white cock- your little Asian dick could never make me cum. Eat his white cum out of my pussy. How much did she get paid for this. Could I be gay. Less shy now about porn with 14 inch black hogs spewing loads like they’ve eaten a dump truck of celery and not jacked off since 1989. But it’s more about fertility. My other porn, a pregnant redhead faking contractions. Pregnancy JOI. Impregnate me, you impregnated me, this other guy impregnated me, I want n*gger cum to impregnate me, etc. etc. No men, I want a kid.

24. Trust God and let it go. Surrender to His plan.

25. Strap explosive vest to self. Surrender to oblivion.

26. Learn to code, create sex robot

27. Learn to code CRISPR, genetically engineer sentient sex monkey

28. Get plastic surgery to have my nose straightened, shrunk. Ears pinned back, scrotum trimmed, penis fattened. Quads plumped, calves inflated, baby hands expanded, chin- my chin is fine. Spider veins removed from eyeballs. Hairline resculpted so it’s less like Count Chocula. Femurs shattered and pinned apart until an extra inch or two brings me to six foot three. By the time I recover the requirement will be six foot five. Maybe use neck rings like Karen tribeswomen. Take roids and lift two hours a day until I’m built like He-Man, then what. Still not meeting women.

29. Purchase Guatemalan or Filipina infant. Raise in Kim Jong Un type propaganda environment where I’m a living authoritarian god, begin sex at LEGAL AGE.

30. Squirrel GF- date a squirrel

31. Go back to Palawan Philippines and date Joy, the character from my book who entraps the guy into working for ISIS. In fact she’s a nice hot chick who works in a hotel and would date me. The problem is these Filipina girls get pregnant with some local’s baby if you turn your back for a week.

32. Find a Mexican. 66% of people in my congressional district are Hispanic. The median household income is $46,583. I make 120 grand and have 6 inches on every Mexican man. Still, they drunk drive and kill people. Can’t compete with that. Gangbangers and their uncle are plowing these girls since they’re 12 and they’re all SJW too.

33. Find astrology poem writing prostitute on Seeking Arrangement. Make her fall in love with me. I keep trying this. They either want a black guy or a guy with more money. The “tweener” problem again. Also the one I tried dating was an idiot. I love and care for her, but unmistakably an idiot. Don’t read this if it’s about you.

34. Travel to visit Twitter DM whores- Jesus Christ, will I ever be that desperate

35. Go to Sex Addicts Anonyous- no, it’s all guys

36. SSRI Bumble women- never. I’d sooner date a man.

37. Stop trying. Die alone. Become white bearded skeleton. House crushed in landslide. River forms over eons. Mineral rich silt fossilizes bones. Recovered by future reptilian species. Placed in museum. They have that kind of autistic woman they do occasional BBC specials on who marries a bridge, who’s in love with a fence, etc. She sees my fossil. Becomes my GF.

38. The problem is I have to stop trying. Chasing women goes nowhere. The women I loved chased me. Made the first move. I worked with them or they just liked my OKCupid. When I initiated it always failed. I felt nothing. Even if I dated them for years. They have to find me. So what do I do. Aging infertile women like to use this bird metaphor. To explain why the man must do all the work. The male bird does his display, his dance. He demonstrates his resources, they say. His health, his peacock tail, his bower of twigs. He makes himself extra puffy and colorful. Risks getting noticed and eaten so he can then work his whole life to build the nest for his woman, bring her insects et cetera. This man-bird you should aspire to is tough, fearless, beautiful. Works diligently to give her free house and money. They say it’s natural that the male should display but fuckstick I’m out here doing my display. It’s pretty fucking good and no women are looking. The fucking female bird still has to fly around and look at dudes and pick one, stupid. What the fuck does the female bird do all day. The female bird still has an instinct to find a mate. Bitch I’m lifting weights and busting my ass, cooking steaks writing books getting famous stacking cash I’m using fucking bespoke moisturizer under my eyes and being careful with my haircut what the fuck more do you need. I’m doing my god damn dance. But also you have to enjoy it, they say. You have to stop trying. You have to do it instinctually without expecting anything. Without being mad at them for being fat brown camouflaged blobs who see it as their life’s purpose to fucking sit there waiting for me to shake my bright plumage in front of panthers to impress you, you whore, while you date- not even some other guy- NO ONE. While you date NO ONE. GET FUCKED.

39. Find the girl who was counting endangered Macaws in the rain forest. Who I was too scared to talk to. Go back to the rain forest. Wait a hundred years for another hot woman interested in macaws. The problem is she needs a guy who knows even more about macaws. An 8 inch dick ornithologist.

40. Do a podcast- no, fuck off

41. Date one of the age appropriate women who come up to me twice a year after AA meetings. Keep in mind I’m 43, this is casting your seed on the pitiless stones. Never Asian either and they want to be asked out, clearly. Yet they don’t say hey you’re a handsome genius please fuck my ass. If one of them says this maybe I’ll take it.

42. Do I leave LA. Move to Texas. If I go there, I better be dating Angela. And she fucking hates me. She’d murder me.

43. Do I leave LA and go impregnate a young woman in the Philippines- it rains too much

44. Track down Tricia my 23 year old ex with a gigantic ass who Cuba Gooding Junior tried to fuck. Did I maximize my time with her ass. Would like to bob for apples in her filthy summer ass crack now. Why can’t I find her on Facebook- she changed her fucking name. She’s married. Jesus Christ.

45. Dig tiger pit with some horseshit women like as bait- stupid apps, SSRIs, I don’t even know what girls like. Horse posters. Dogs. Just get a dog and have it be my GF. Oh shit a dog. Fuck a dog. Dog pussy.

46. Give up. Guys like me are who they should draft into wars. Not 18 year olds but me. The French Foreign Legion, something. Imagine if they said hey Tacos you can stop paying bills. Waiting on hold to haggle with wailing Sephardim over the cost of a garage door opener. You can stop having the to do item of getting your car bumper reattached to your 2014 CPO Subaru Legacy be the last thing tethering you to the Earth. Boat to the Seychelles. Machine gun some ooga booga types. Take a teenage wife and eat bush pig while banging her and her cousins. If I don’t pray this morning there’s a non-negligible chance that I will- not kill people. But heft up the decorative conference room brass plant pot pedestals. Smash them through windows that don’t open. Ninja star my Microsoft Surface Pro and my twin Acer 36” 1080p touchscreen monitors and my HP combination printer/ copier/ fax- launch all these tools of productivity four floors down onto the sidewalk by the neighboring medical center onto child cancer victims and the wheelchairbound elderly. If I don’t pray this will happen. If I do pray I’ll still feel it every morning. But I’ll just keep eating it like a good soldier. Just keep eating it and eating it until they find something in my colonoscopy.

47. Imaginary GF. Jumanji-like scenario where I read a magic book about a GF, and she appears

48. Get into the furry community- no, again, this shit is all dudes. Every subculture is all dudes. The laundromat is all dudes. What do women do all day.

49. Get better clothes

50. What I’m gonna do is go pray. Make peace with God. And if I got a girl I wouldn’t want her. But I want a girl to not want. Going to a therapist who helps people give up their dreams. $225 for the hour. Her office is her $2 million house. Dead dreams here like oil to the Saudis. I want to not want it. Need to get over something but don’t know what. Something about how a girl has to be 8/10 genius 20 years younger than me to be 1% more interesting than Nintendo. Let it go. Let her find you. It’ll happen. It’ll happen real soon.