I got a colonoscopy. They tell you now get one at 45. Used to be 50. It'll creep down and down. They'll give you colonoscopies at 20. The American Society of Gastroenterologists. Headlines wherever you look. Colon cancer strikes younger and younger. Ten emails a day from handbag and drug merchant New York Times about COLON CANCER COLON CANCER COLON CANCER.
My hypothesis, I tell Susannah in the car, is there's a war going on. On one side you have the makers of Cologuard. New product where you shit in a box and mail it somewhere. It detects 92% of colon cancers. If you pop you get a colonoscopy. This side has a big marketing budget.
On the other side The American Society of Gastroenterologists. Guys who lease a medical building and have sunk big money into a snaking metal camera that goes in your ass. They need to keep doing colonoscopies. Likely a high margin procedure. Someting insurance won't fight.
The Cologuard people hire think tanks to write articles. Scare you about colon cancer. Good for both parties. But many will look at the options. A) Shit in a box. Detect 92%. B) Cattle dose of laxatives for days to purge your bowels for a Middle Eastern man to jam metal blades, pipes, and glass into your ass. To detect 99%. 92% sounds good.
So the gastroenterologists have a counter campaign, I tell her. Scaring you that Cologuard doesn't go all the way.
Which is to say the (IRISH LEPRECHAUNS) want to BUCK BREAK you by STICKING IT IN YOUR ASS for MONEY, I want to think. So I don't have to get a colonoscopy. I've had ass problems 20 years. When they go in there it's bad. It's bad.
But I bought it.
And it's good, cuz I had
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